Day 6: Worry

“Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.”
― Donna Ball

Everyday, I look at my daughter and think so myself how lucky I am to have this tiny blessing in my life. Then I think how I would do it all over again in a heart beat to see another mini image of myself and boyfriend. I feel like I ask my boyfriend every day when we will have another baby. I know right now my life is not ready for a baby, but in about 18 months I will be. I planned on trying again for a second next summer, so my daughter now would be turning 3 around the time the next one was born. My boyfriend doesn't want that, nor does he want another child. Sometimes he says he does, other times he doesn't. He loves our daughter VERY much, but doesn't want to take on the challenge of another.

Right now, I work full time and he stays home with her. Every day I wish I could switch roles with him. I love my job, but I dread coming to work wondering what I am missing from her life every day. I wish, hope and pray that maybe something will come along to help us make that change. I make more than he did at his last job, and day care is the price of what he made per week so it didn't make sense for him to work in some cases. My boyfriend is miserable at home, and feels he is wasting his life at home when he could be working to provide for us instead of me.

I want another baby, I am getting the itch to have one VERY bad lately. Its an ache inside that I am missing out on something else, and I worry every day that I won't experience that. My boyfriend keeps saying no, I keep asking. This will never stop between us, and I don't think I can stay with someone who only wants one child. It may be a selfish thing to do, but its not fair for my daughter to see parents together who don't appreciate each other.

I worry every day that she will be my last. I have kept almost all of her clothes, and most of her baby stuff because I am afraid to let go, I don't want her to be my last and I refuse to let he be my last. But again, I do take into consideration his wants and needs. I can't make him have a baby he doesn't want. Its not fair to him or that child.

Until the day he decides to get a vasectomy and be done with it, I will continue to ask, and he will continue to say no. I know deep down he wants another child, but is afraid to have another because of the demands that our current child needs. The attention she craves and affection she wants it more than I can handle sometimes and I have a high tolerance. But the love that I have for her is toxic, and beautiful. I want to share that love with another little angel, and for someone for her to lean on and to comfort her when myself and her father are gone so when I do leave one day I know she is not alone in this world.