Day 10: Pressure

I wish I could write more often, but with the full time job I have while being a mom and finishing my home to move into this weekend (YAY!) I have WAY too much stuff to be doing at all times.

So today, I thought I would talk about stress.

My little family unit has been through a lot lately. In the past 2 1/2  years, we have went through an unplanned pregnancy, living in my parents home for 9 more months with a newborn, moving out and going basically broke while living on one income, then doing a complete 360 and becoming debt free AND getting a house out of the deal while spending every dollar we had to fix it BUT at least I don't owe a penny to anything or anyone.

Wow, way too long of a sentence.

Anyways, a relationship can take a lot of tolls during stressful times like these. I haven't spent more than an hour with my boyfriend in the past 5 months and its tough. We see each other at night after our daughter goes to bed, and try to talk or watch a movie together and that's only IF she falls asleep before we do, which of course isn't every night. We are finally moving in this weekend, so this will be the most stressful week of all. I still don't have a working bathroom in my house! But that's what happens sometimes when you completely gut a home and start over. I have faith that it will be done, and I know it will. Money and time cause stress; always making sure we have enough money to fix the house and making sure we have the time to get it done.

I used to question if I was in the right relationship, even after my daughter was born. I questioned whether we were meant to be, or if we were just staying together for the sake of her. I will admit, over the course of this whole project never mind raising a daughter, I think we are meant to be together. Through all the arguing, the tears, the fights, and all the love we share in between, it has helped me realize that he is the one for me.

We have both made plenty of mistakes, and maybe said some things we shouldn't have said, but we are each others best friends...maybe even soul mates. Its funny, when I think about when I first met him...it was different. I was only 15 years old, and I always thought it was just some crush I had on him but it was something more than that. He knew it too, but we didn't fully realize it until a year later when we finally got together in a serious relationship. I will save that story for another blog post.

I feel grateful that I have found this special person at such a young age. I am only 22 years old and I feel like I have lived the life already of someone much older. I feel like my experiences so far in life have given me so much knowledge, and appreciation for what I have and what I will be dealing with for the many years to come.

Day 9: Stress

 OK I will admit...I have been slacking off on the blogging. I have been very busy though with all the planning for my house, and trying to pack up a whole apartment while watching a 18 month old alone while my boyfriend tries to get the house done in the next month...

I give anyone credit who has redone a house and has still managed to make it through without killing each other because I am pretty sure there have been a few times (OK...maybe a hundred times at this point) that I have wanted to just give up and walk away because the stress and fighting was too much. It is normal though to argue when your spending all the money you have on a home which you know will leave you debt free in the end but you still feel like your going to end up right where you left off. Yes, I have lost faith sometimes and yes I have been through a lot making this house a home for my family, but I think in the end it will turn out to be something special that we can enjoy for a very long time.

For now, this blog will be shorter than my norm, and I will post a recipe or two in a few but this is just to update on my life. Motherhood brings many challenges, and not all of them pertain to being just a Mom. I don't think I would have gotten this house or any of this if I didn't have my daughter, because I feel everything happens for a reason. I do believe that if I wasn't a Mom, alot of this would be WAY less stressful, but I am glad I can share these joys with my daughter, even if she is too young to understand what is really going on.

Day 8: Baby Envy

“Once your baby arrives, the world is no more the same than you are. Because from our very bodies we add to the collective human destiny. Our deepest urge is always toward life, to wholeness and well being.”
-Claire Fontaine

My boyfriend's brother's girlfriend (wow, that was sort of complicated) is having a baby. Since day one, I have had some sort of "Baby Envy" towards both of them. Some how she seemed to convince him (although, the only had been together for 6 months when they were trying) to have another baby, but I do think that she was getting the itch more than him. So hey, lets have baby when we just started dating and I have a kid from another father...sometimes I wonder where common sense is in situations like this. Then again common sense is not so common...

Anyways, now that my bitter self is showing its lovely face, I am jealous. I wish I could convince my boyfriend to want to create a little life again but his interest is growing now that our daughter is getting older, and easier. Then again, this will be his brothers first child and hes only seen the cute side of what my daughter has to offer...he hasn't seen the colic, or the poop, or the spit up.

Again, my bitter baby craving side is showing again...

Back to my point, I have had the baby fever for a few months now. I didn't think I would be one of those people to suffer from it but I am...and it sucks. I miss all those tiny clothes and that "new baby" smell. Thinking about those sleepless nights don't seem so bad anymore. I can't have that joy yet though, and I am jealous of that. At this time in my life, we cannot bring another baby into our lives. We are fixing up a house, which left us with no savings (again) but I am glad we are mortgage free and my bills will be about $500 cheaper every month without rent and some of the efficient things we have now, and I am grateful for that.

I wonder if bringing another baby into this world will put to much stress on our relationship, or if it will wreck our little family unit. The three of us have learned to live life the way it is now and are adjusting to that quite nicely. Sometimes I wonder if bringing another little peanut home will disrupt what I have worked hard for. I love babies, and I love having them around but they are alot of work and they cause lots of changes. This makes me wonder if just 1 is enough for us?

Its a difficult thing to decide, whether to stop at 1 or to try for another. Whether its your first child, or tenth child, adding another member to the family is a big step to take in any ones life. Now I have to decide if I should go for what I want and have another baby, or enjoy what I have in front of me for the sake of having things be easy. Its a tough choice to make, but I have plenty of time to worry about that tomorrow.


What about you? Do you want another baby? What is your deciding factor on that choice?

Recipe #5: Chocolate Eclairs

This was one recipe that took me a couple tries before I got it right. The first time, I made the puff part of the eclair too large, and it didn't cook right. Then I made them too small then they burned. And THEN I over cooked the cream in the middle which caused the eggs in the dish to become scrambled and separated instead of the fluffy pudding like texture it should be. The only thing I got right was the frosting. So here is the recipe for it, and I hope you enjoy making them as much as I do, even with the mistakes I made - but I only learn from them.

Vanilla Pudding
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar
• 1/3 cup flour
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 2 cups milk
• 3 egg yolks, beaten
• 2 tablespoons butter
• 1 1/4 teaspoons vanilla
• Pastry Cream
• Vanilla Pudding (above)
• 1/2 cup whipping cream
• When vanilla pudding is chilled, whip cream to form soft peaks and gentle fold in to vanilla pudding. Keep covered and chilled until ready to use.
Pastry
• 1 cup water
• 8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/2 teaspoons sugar
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 3 eggs, plus 1 extra, if needed
Shiny Chocolate Glaze
• 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
• 2 tablespoons margarine or butter
• 5 tablespoons light corn syrup
• 2 1/2 teaspoons water

Directions

Vanilla Pudding
1. In a saucepan combine the sugar, flour and salt. Gradually stir in milk gently. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until mixture starts to boil. Cook for 2 minutes more.
2. Remove from burner. Stir a small quantity of the hot mixture into the beaten egg yolks, and immediately add egg yolk mixture to the hot mixture in the saucepan. Cook for 2 more minutes, stirring constantly. Remove from heat and add butter and vanilla. Transfer pudding mixture to a medium bowl. Cover with plastic; refrigerate until well chilled, about 1 hour or overnight.
Pastry Cream
3. When vanilla pudding is chilled, whip cream to form soft peaks and gentle fold in to vanilla pudding. Keep covered and chilled until ready to use.
Pastry
4. Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. Line a sheet pan with parchment paper. In a large saucepan, bring the water, butter, salt and sugar to a rolling boil over medium-high heat. When it boils, immediately take the pan off the heat. Stirring with a wooden spoon, add all the flour at once and stir hard until all the flour is incorporated, 30 to 60 seconds. Return to the heat and cook, stirring, 30 seconds.
5. Scrape the mixture into a mixer fitted with a paddle attachment (or use a hand mixer). Mix at medium speed. With the mixer running, add 3 eggs, 1 egg at a time. Stop mixing after each addition to scrape down the sides of the bowl. Mix until the dough is smooth and glossy and the eggs are completely incorporated. The dough should be thick, but should fall slowly and steadily from the beaters when you lift them out of the bowl. If the dough is still clinging to the beaters, add the remaining 1 egg and mix until incorporated.
6. Using a pastry bag fitted with a large plain tip, pipe fat lengths of dough (about the size and shape of a jumbo hot dog) onto the lined baking sheet, leaving 2 inches of space between them. You should have 8 to 10 lengths.
7. Use your fingers to smooth out any bumps of points of dough that remain on the surface. Bake 15 minutes, then reduce the heat to 375 degrees and bake until puffed up and light golden brown, about 25 minutes more. Try not to open the oven door too often during the baking. Let cool on the baking sheet. Fit a medium-size plain pastry tip over your index finger and use it to make a hole in the end of each eclair (or just use your fingertip). Using a pastry bag fitted with a medium-size plain tip, gently pipe the custard into the eclairs, using only just enough to fill the inside (don't stuff them full).
Shiny Chocolate Glaze
8. Place the chocolate chips, margarine, and corn syrup in small saucepan over low heat and stir until the chocolate and margarine melt, 2 minutes. Add the water, 1/2 teaspoon at a time, until the glaze is of a pouring consistency.
9. Dip the tops of the eclairs in the warm chocolate glaze (or spread on if that’s easier) and set on a sheet pan. Chill, uncovered, at least 1 hour to set the glaze. Serve chilled.

Enjoy!!

Day 7: Love

“Supermom wasn't a bad job description. The pay was lousy if you were talking about real money. But the payoff was priceless in so many other ways.”
― Roxanne Henke

I lately have the urge to quit my job. I regret every day working 8AM til 5PM. I have written about this a couple times, and its something I deal with a lot every day. I miss my baby, and I don't want to miss out on her child hood. I believe I walk into my job every morning with the hope that something will happen that will make me want to quit. But honestly, I love my job. The pay is great for someone like myself who doesn't have a lot of education and not many people can say they have a Monday thru Friday job working ONLY 8 til 5 and never more. I am grateful for it, but in other ways I resent this place.

I dream of opening my own bakery. Now that may not give me the solution of being home with my daughter or future children more, but its what I want to do. I want my sacrifices to be worth something more than being stuck at a desk while my child's youth is withering away in front of me. I want my own business, and to be in control of my own life and job, and to show my child(ren) that you should make your dreams come true.

Its something my boyfriend has always been interested in himself, but he likes the more savory side of baking. The calzones, the breads, the dough - he loves the other half while I enjoy the sugar coated parts more of the trade. I enjoy any part of making something, putting it in the oven and having it come out as some sort of master piece. We have been discussing this business since we were 18 years old. We know it will take some money and planning, but now that we have a house we can start saving so that maybe in 10 years or so we can make this happen for us, or even just myself.

Now I don't have any professional experience baking or cake decorating but I want to self teach myself. I have always baked very often as a child, which consisted of simple things like cupcakes or cookies. I am starting to branch out with fondant recipes and making my own frosting's. I enjoy what baking gives me, and what it gives to other people who love the things I make. Its an addicting feeling.

For now, I will have to deal with being stuck at my desk, blogging away the hours until I go home again to my child's beautiful little face. And for now, I will continue to plan my sprinkle and frosting covered dream to one day be my own boss. The reason I do what I do is out of love, and I know one day I will get to where I am supposed to be.

Day 6: Worry

“Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.”
― Donna Ball

Everyday, I look at my daughter and think so myself how lucky I am to have this tiny blessing in my life. Then I think how I would do it all over again in a heart beat to see another mini image of myself and boyfriend. I feel like I ask my boyfriend every day when we will have another baby. I know right now my life is not ready for a baby, but in about 18 months I will be. I planned on trying again for a second next summer, so my daughter now would be turning 3 around the time the next one was born. My boyfriend doesn't want that, nor does he want another child. Sometimes he says he does, other times he doesn't. He loves our daughter VERY much, but doesn't want to take on the challenge of another.

Right now, I work full time and he stays home with her. Every day I wish I could switch roles with him. I love my job, but I dread coming to work wondering what I am missing from her life every day. I wish, hope and pray that maybe something will come along to help us make that change. I make more than he did at his last job, and day care is the price of what he made per week so it didn't make sense for him to work in some cases. My boyfriend is miserable at home, and feels he is wasting his life at home when he could be working to provide for us instead of me.

I want another baby, I am getting the itch to have one VERY bad lately. Its an ache inside that I am missing out on something else, and I worry every day that I won't experience that. My boyfriend keeps saying no, I keep asking. This will never stop between us, and I don't think I can stay with someone who only wants one child. It may be a selfish thing to do, but its not fair for my daughter to see parents together who don't appreciate each other.

I worry every day that she will be my last. I have kept almost all of her clothes, and most of her baby stuff because I am afraid to let go, I don't want her to be my last and I refuse to let he be my last. But again, I do take into consideration his wants and needs. I can't make him have a baby he doesn't want. Its not fair to him or that child.

Until the day he decides to get a vasectomy and be done with it, I will continue to ask, and he will continue to say no. I know deep down he wants another child, but is afraid to have another because of the demands that our current child needs. The attention she craves and affection she wants it more than I can handle sometimes and I have a high tolerance. But the love that I have for her is toxic, and beautiful. I want to share that love with another little angel, and for someone for her to lean on and to comfort her when myself and her father are gone so when I do leave one day I know she is not alone in this world.

Recipe #4: Baked Mac & Cheese

I actually found this one on the back of a Barilla Pasta box, and it has to be my FAVORITE baked macaroni and cheese recipe. My mom has made it for me as long as I can remember, so now I will share it with you for those who have not had it.

Recipe Ingredients for Mac and Cheese from Barilla

4	tablespoons butter
1	cup onion, chopped
1/8	cups flour
1	teaspoon salt
3	cups skim milk
1 1/2	cups cheddar cheese, shredded
8	ounces elbow macaroni

Recipe Directions for Mac and Cheese from Barilla

Melt butter. Saute onions. Add flour and salt. Add milk and bring to a simmer stirring often. Add elbows (1/2 box of barilla plus, not listed above). After elbows cook through, add cheese.

Serves 4

Calorie Count: 572 per serving

Enjoy!!